The Amud

There exists a protocol for who gets to daven for the amud (lead the weekday services). It goes more or less as follows:

1. A man sitting Shiva for a parent
2a. A man observing the yahrtzeit (anniversary of the date of passing) of a parent
2b. A man during the shloshim (first thirty days) of avel (mourning) for a parent
3. A man during the first 11 months of avelus (the period during which he says kaddish); and
4. A man during the 12th month of avelus (after he has completed saying kaddish).

(This protocol is suspended on Rosh Chodesh, Chol Hamoed and, in many shuls, Chanukah and Purim, during which days avelim are not permitted to lead the services (as they are not on Shabbos or Yomim Tovim. Also, there are various rules about how out-of-towners with higher priorities rank compared to shul members with lower priorities. We don't need to go there now).

During the shiva, my brother and I alternated leading services. During the shloshim, (which ends next Shabbos), until this morning, I have been fortunate enough to lead every single service (other than on Chanukah). Since there have been no others observing shloshim in the places I've been davening, I've gotten priority.

Davening for the amud has unexpectedly become very important to me both because it is considered a kavod (honor) for the deceased and for more mysterious reasons that (similar to my feelings about kaddish) I really don't understand. (And, it is important to note, while I have davened for the amud from time to time on Shabbos and Yom Tov, I don't have a taiva for the amud at all)

This morning was disappointing because a member of the shul who normally never comes to the morning minyan showed up for his father's yahrtzeit. Initially, I felt a rush of resentment to this 'interloper' moving in on my 'turf'. (I did take over at Ashrei). This, of course, was silly and immature since I have no greater entitlement to the amud than he and, if I were observing yahrtzeit I would certainly want the amud. Nevertheless, I felt a void, as if something had been taken from me.

Can anyone explain this strange phenomenon?