Poverty: A Parent's Lament

I received the following comment to my second post on poverty:

As college educated centrist Orthodox Jews, we fully expected our children to go to yeshiva/seminary and then get professional or vocational degrees so that they could support their families and fully participate in Jewish life (pay tuition, shul dues, give Tzedaka, buy a house etc.)The joke is on us and others like us - the Yeshiva system steered them away from our rational thinking and convinced them that Kollel and being stay at home mommies, dependent on parents and in-laws was the correct hashgofa. 10 years into this chaos, these smart not-so-young people -with growing families -can't see their way out of their desperate financial situations. We have slowly weaned them off the parental payroll, but there are no adequate pay checks to pick up where we left off. The only way the system will change is if the Yeshivas and Seminaries point the youth on to a path of education and careers with reasonable earning potential - and remove the guilt associated with college and secular careers. In our view, the real winners in Jewish life are the young people that have what to give to their families and communities, not just take from others, and still make the time for Torah learning every day. Who's going to pay tuition, pay for orthodontia, make weddings, etc. for their children?

A few thoughts....

1. I have seen this scenario play out time and time again. Professional people raising kids who are convinced by the Yeshiva/Seminary system that the only way to have a meaningful life is to sit in Kollel. The children are not really prepared to make the sacrifices called for by such a lifestyle and, instead, end up sponging off parents. The stress and pressure put on parents is apparently of no concern to the Yeshiva world that promotes this hashgafah.

2. So, what's a parent to do? My approach is de-programming from an early age. One must explain to his children in the clearest terms that if they choose this lifestyle they will be poor (or, if they know you won't leave them hanging, that their children will be poor). Explain that you've done your fair share and it isn't in your plan to work until you're 80 years old so that you can support them. Explain that being poor is not as good as having money. Being poor creates a huge amount of stress and, often, dysfunction. Explain that, notwithstanding what the seminary says, one can lead a very fulfilling, meaningful Jewish life by marrying someone who works hard, gives back to the community and is kovei'a itim in learning. (I am firmly of the view that, after 120 years, we will find out that the One Above values this kind of lifestyle more than that of the child who learns full time but lives on the back of his parents**).

3. At the end of the day, grown up children have to make their own choices. Our avodah, our responsibility, is to teach them what's right and try to raise normal children (and then hope that they marry someone normal).

(** A Note: There are exceptional children who do belong in bais medrash and who the community should be supporting. If we get rid of the 80% who don't belong, we will be able (and privileged) to support them in a b'kavodik way).