"Mommy Doesn't Let"


I took The Vance to Manhattan today to see Cirque de Sollel. We went for pizza before the performance. I bought a Dr. Pepper along with my slice (I don't usually drink soda but I am still trying to gain a couple of pounds so I drink the stuff from time to time). The Vance didn't want anything to drink but I took an extra cup expecting her to change her mind.

When I offered her some of my soda she said, "Mommy doesn't let".

This is true; except for Shabbos (and then only when we have guests) soda is never made available. I was impressed with the Vance's self control but more so with MHW's mastery of motherhood. Without being preachy or loud, MHW has somehow constructed a paradigm where rules are rules and her word is the law. Kids crave structure and MHW gives it to them in a firm but gentle way (how is that possible?).

(And, as an aside, if regular kids crave structure, how much more so foster kids. Which is what makes MHW a spectacular foster mom).

I am not worthy.

Really. I'm not.

Five Years

Tonight marks my father's 5th yahrtzeit. It is very hard to believe that so much time has passed since he left this world.

The older I get the more I recognize how much my father influenced me and how many of his characteristics I have. He was always in a hurry. I am always in a hurry. He had little patience for shtick. I have little patience for shtick. He walked fast. I walk fast. And so on.

On Friday, while driving to Baltimore to see OOD and THG, I drove about 75 miles while moderately uncomfortable because I really could have used a pit stop. My father in me made the decision whether to stop a tortuous one. Stopping would set me back from reaching my destination by 15 minutes. On the other hand, I was getting increasingly more uncomfortable. (The fact that, even had we stopped, we would still have had plenty of time before Shabbos, like more than two hours, was not a factor in my decision. Stopping on the road unless absolutely necessary is simply not done). Finally, after thinking about it for more than an hour, I actually laughed, turned to MHW and said, "I'm really insane." We stopped at the last rest stop in New Jersey.

Other than inheriting some of my father's mishagas, I know that I have not measured up to him in many other ways. He was a very good man. A man of principle, a man without shtick, utterly devoid of pretense or guile. He was an incredibly hard worker who felt an absolute responsibility to provide for his family. (If he knew how many Jewish families were, more or less by choice, on welfare or using food stamps, he would be spinning in his grave). I don't think a day passed when he didn't think that he was the luckiest man in the world to have married my mom. He was totally devoted to her. I am lucky to have had him as my dad.

This is some of what I said at the levayah:

It is customary to refer to your father as Avi, Mori; my father, my teacher. That, indeed, was the essence of what my dad was.

He taught us both concrete things and abstract concepts. He taught us to throw a softball and he taught us to be erliche Yiddin. He taught us a love of baseball and he taught us to be menches. He taught us the importance of being physically fit and he taught us the importance of being real. He taught us to swim and he taught us the power of music. He taught us the importance of a smile and a good word. He taught us about the sweetness of Shabbos. He taught us z'miros in three-part harmony. He taught us that it was more important to get out of the Shea Stadium parking lot quickly than whether or not the Mets won. He taught us that if you walk at a fast pace you get to where you are going more quickly. He taught us to give tzedakah in a tzniusdik way. He taught us the importance of being oskai Tzorchei Tzibur B’Emunah. He taught us the importance of being on time, especially for appointments with the Ribbono Shel Olam. He taught that it was not beneath his sons or grandsons to do the laundry, clear off the table or wash the pots. He taught us a love for Eretz Yisrael [and, I should have also said, Medinat Yisrael]. He taught us never, ever, to raise our voices, especially to our loved ones. He taught us how much a person can overcome in life just by force of will and determination.

And, he taught us all this without ever darshaning or giving mussar. Indeed, he taught us all this by hardly saying a word. He taught us all this simply by the way he conducted himself. He understood on a very simple level that he was a Ben Melech, a child of the King, and conducted himself accordingly.

My father was a very special man and we will miss him dearly. I take comfort from the pasuk in Tehillim that I was reading last Sunday night when we thought he was about to leave us. Yodai’ah Hashem Yimai Timmim, V’nachalasam L’Olam Tihiyeh. “Hashem recognizes the days of the righteous and their inheritance will be forever.” The Even Ezra says that nachalasam, the inheritance of the righteous, refers to their children and grandchildren through the generations. The Radak says that nachalasam refers to their olam habah.

May Hashem grant my father the olam habah that he so richly deserves and may he be a meilitz yasher for all of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and all the generations to come.

An Important Post

By Rabbi Horowitz abd Dr. Twerski

Rav Yehoshua Hartman at Aish Kodesh

Rav Yehoshua Hartman, one of the great experts on the teachings of the Maharal, will be giving two shiurim at Aish Kodesh, this Thursday evening, leil Hoshanah Rabah.

The first shiur, at 8 pm will be a retrospective on the thought and teachings of the Maharal on his 400th Yahrtzeit.

The second shiur, at 9 pm, will focus on the Maharal's Torahs on Succos and Hoshanah Rabah.

Men and women are invited.

Please spread the word. Rav Hartman is awesome and it's really worth coming.

Grand Jury

There are many things I would like to post about but I have been selected for grand jury duty in Nassau County and will be sitting for the entire month of July. The grand jury meets every day from 10 to 5 and I manage my real job before and after court (and every spare free moment of the day, of which there are many). So, it is unlikely that I will be posting much for the remainder of the month.

I won't leave without noting the breakup of HAFTR and Rambam which is the result that I expected three years ago when this Frankenstein's Monster was originally dreamed up. At that time, I posted about how dopey an idea it was, got huge grief from many parties and then deleted the posts because (a) I just couldn't be bothered, and, (b) I felt conflicted because I once helped run HAFTR before a number of geniuses who knew better pushed us out and managed to run it into the ground).

It's good to see that there appears to once again be adult supervision at HAFTR. It may still be too late, but at least they seem to understand how misguided the Machon Hatorah experiment was. My advice to the new administration al regel achas: Fess up to the fact that you are a left wing MO school and run the place accordingly. You might be able to survive in that sweet spot.

Rabbi Horowitz Speaking Tonight

At DRS High School in Woodmere, 9 p.m.

Raising Normal Children (or something like that; I'm sure it will be well worth the time).

Rabbi Horowitz: Remembering the Kids

Here

Lost Opportunity

As expected, the Yeshiva hockey league commissioner, presumably caving in to pressure, copped out and will let HAFTR play the chamionship game without imposing any penalty whatsoever. What a joke.

On the Horns of a Hockey Dilemma

A number of my hocker sources have informed me that there was a brawl at the recent HAFTR/Magen David hockey semi-final playoff game. Apparently, with about 90 seconds to go and HAFTR up 2-0, one of the MD guys put a very aggressive hit on one of the HAFTR players who retaliated. The benches cleared and, I am told, all heck broke loose and there was fighting among players (and even parents). After order was restored, the game was called as it was, and HAFTR won 2-0.

As a keen observer of the human condition, I have been asked to weigh in on l'affair HAFTR/MD Brawl.

This is tough one (that really isn't). Normally, a player who is involved in a fight is automatically suspended from at least the next game (Indeed, when OYS was a senior, an opposing player viciously smashed him into a wall out of frustration and was suspended for the next game). So, do you suspend the entire team and forfeit the championship game? I think the answer is a resounding yes. This is one of those important chinuch moments where a strong administration has to step up and do the right thing, as painful as it is.

The only reason the decision is tough is because it penalizes innocent kids; i.e., the team from DRS who would much prefer to win the championship on the gym floor.

It will be interesting to see how the administration comes out but I don't see that they have any real choice.

Thoughts?

The System, One Year Later

I am now almost two years removed from my last game as a hockey dad. But, on Wednesday night, I went back to the Greenhouse to watch OYS's school play in a playoff semi-final.

Pretty much everything I wrote here pertains to Wednesday's game as well. The Good Guys won 3-1. The System worked and THE GOALTENDER WAS GREAT!

But I have to admit. I miss watching OYS play. There was simply no one on either side who played with his panache. I always knew he was a special player but I am getting a better sense of it as the years pass by.

Finally, it was great to see the coaches who played a such an important role in OYS's high school experience. And Mazal Tov to MD.

(Speaking of MD, highlight of the night: With about 4 minutes remaining and the Good Guys protecting a one-goal lead, MD gathered the players and warned them that the other team would be sending their third and fourth men deep. He told them if you lose your man you won't play again "and, I don't mean tonight..I mean EVER!". But he said it with love.

A Very Important Post

By Rabbi Horowitz

MO Props For Rabbi Horowitz

The Jewish Week on the "Teen Whisperer".

Reaching Rabbi Horowitz

A PSA.

Rabbi Horowitz on the Radio

Click here for more info.

Let's Help A Good Friend

Click Here

Poverty: A Tale of Two Friends

This is a true story about two friends.

One lives locally and the other in Jerusalem.

The one who lives locally is a young, but successful businessman. He is a very sincere and devout Eved Hashem. He used to travel all over the country as part of his job but, more recently, switched jobs in order to have a more normal lifestyle. (Don’t get me wrong; he still works extremely hard but he just doesn’t have to travel constantly). He gives away huge amounts of money to a variety of Jewish causes. He is involved in communal affairs. He is a huge talmid chacham. Scary, even. He gives a weekly gemarah shiur to a bunch of friends. He studies esoteric seforim that I can’t even pronounce.

My other friend lives in hovel in a chareidi neighborhood in Jerusalem. He is a very sincere and devout Eved Hashem. He learns in kollel while his wife, who has a newborn baby, ekes out a very meager living. They live from hand to mouth with assistance from friends and family. He has no particular marketable skills, no training and no education beyond high school. As far as I can tell, he is no, and never will be a, talmid chacham. He has been in Kollel at least five years with no immediate plans to leave.

Which of my friends should be the role model?

Poverty: A Parent's Lament

I received the following comment to my second post on poverty:

As college educated centrist Orthodox Jews, we fully expected our children to go to yeshiva/seminary and then get professional or vocational degrees so that they could support their families and fully participate in Jewish life (pay tuition, shul dues, give Tzedaka, buy a house etc.)The joke is on us and others like us - the Yeshiva system steered them away from our rational thinking and convinced them that Kollel and being stay at home mommies, dependent on parents and in-laws was the correct hashgofa. 10 years into this chaos, these smart not-so-young people -with growing families -can't see their way out of their desperate financial situations. We have slowly weaned them off the parental payroll, but there are no adequate pay checks to pick up where we left off. The only way the system will change is if the Yeshivas and Seminaries point the youth on to a path of education and careers with reasonable earning potential - and remove the guilt associated with college and secular careers. In our view, the real winners in Jewish life are the young people that have what to give to their families and communities, not just take from others, and still make the time for Torah learning every day. Who's going to pay tuition, pay for orthodontia, make weddings, etc. for their children?

A few thoughts....

1. I have seen this scenario play out time and time again. Professional people raising kids who are convinced by the Yeshiva/Seminary system that the only way to have a meaningful life is to sit in Kollel. The children are not really prepared to make the sacrifices called for by such a lifestyle and, instead, end up sponging off parents. The stress and pressure put on parents is apparently of no concern to the Yeshiva world that promotes this hashgafah.

2. So, what's a parent to do? My approach is de-programming from an early age. One must explain to his children in the clearest terms that if they choose this lifestyle they will be poor (or, if they know you won't leave them hanging, that their children will be poor). Explain that you've done your fair share and it isn't in your plan to work until you're 80 years old so that you can support them. Explain that being poor is not as good as having money. Being poor creates a huge amount of stress and, often, dysfunction. Explain that, notwithstanding what the seminary says, one can lead a very fulfilling, meaningful Jewish life by marrying someone who works hard, gives back to the community and is kovei'a itim in learning. (I am firmly of the view that, after 120 years, we will find out that the One Above values this kind of lifestyle more than that of the child who learns full time but lives on the back of his parents**).

3. At the end of the day, grown up children have to make their own choices. Our avodah, our responsibility, is to teach them what's right and try to raise normal children (and then hope that they marry someone normal).

(** A Note: There are exceptional children who do belong in bais medrash and who the community should be supporting. If we get rid of the 80% who don't belong, we will be able (and privileged) to support them in a b'kavodik way).

On Drinking

A number of years ago, when I was still president, my shul
decided to go dry, cold turkey. It was at the behest of Rabbi Hershel Billet of the Young Israel of Woodmere who persuaded his shul board to ban hard alcohol. Rabbi Billet was looking for community support but, as far as I can tell, we were the only other shul to take that step which seemed drastic at the time.

I wrote about how that unfolded here and here.

I raise this, of course, in the context of the story of a frum teen who was recently busted for wrecking a car, on Shabbos, while totally drunk. This story was picked up in Newsweek, of all places, and is, predictably, raising public consciousness.

It takes strong leadership, like that displayed by Rabbi Billet and Rav Weinberger, to deal with these problems head on. Sadly, what's missing is leadership. Leadership by parents and leadership by Rabbanim and other so-called leaders.

On Parenting...A Second Time

Having just blasted the entire Jblogosphere for being "over", I now refer to an excellent post by Mother in Israel about raising kids "by the book". It really hit home.

How many times have we thought about the stupid things we did raising our children and how we would do things differently if we had another chance (indeed, our younger children are generally the beneficiaries of our earlier mistakes).

Well, MHW and I really have the opportunity to put our live's lessons to work with The Toddler. There are thirteen years separating TT from OYD. We have raised four children, done a lot of things right and made many mistakes. We go by "the book" but it is the book that we've written, not read.

Case in point. TT just turned three and we figured she was ready for toilet training. We figured, but she didn't figure. After a week, it has become quite clear that while she will humor us by occasionally going in the potty (and getting rewarded with a marshmallow) she is just as happy to revert to form. She is simply not ready. We can either stress over it or give up for now. To paraphrase Mother in Israel, I am quite certain that she will not be wearing diapers when she walks down the chupah. We decided that whether she's three or three and a half is not important.

MII's post was a reminder that we've been given the opportunity to channel our angst over what we may have done wrong in the past into action. What a blessing.

"I Am a Mother".

Every once in a while I receive a comment that is so spot on that I like to highlight it.

This is one of them, in response to my recent post on staying home for Pesach.

I am a mother. I have been working myself to the bone. My husband and I are weary with exhaustion. Only 2 days left to the seder. The lists and shopping are done and now just work, work, work.

Would you recommend that I go to a Pesach hotel? Of course, why shouldn't I "enjoy" my yom Tov? Well, that would be the worst thing. I have had a chance to turn the last two months of my life into Avodas Hashem. Every sore muscle, drop of sweat and minute of lost sleep are counting to my Olam Haba. I don't have to have lofty spiritual thoughts to connect to Hashem. Neither me or my husband has to concentrate to be koneh our Yom Tov. Our efforts are enough that we are connected. We are told L'fum Tzarah Agra. Why would I give up this opportunity for a few days of rest?

As for the time with my children, If I were in a hotel, I would be shmoozing with friends, my kids would be screaming and pulling at my skirt. i would want to go to a shiur and leave them with a babysitter. They would be at the children's program instead of with me. I would keep them up either too late at night or leave them in their room alone.

Instead, my 2 year old runs to get me a potato to peel and we discuss shapes. He sits munching on an apple as I explain how to check eggs. My five year old and I check the romaine, prepare salt water and discuss why Totty goes to shul while Mommy watches the baby. this is their holiday now too since they put in the work aside from the coloring and pasting they did in school. They see how we drop everything we are doing, literally, to run do a chesed. We laugh and sing and cry and spend time together working together. They see that challenges are things to make us stronger not to run away from. The key to keeping this time sane has been to turn off my cell and regular phones. It's amazing how much calmer the family is when it's just us. As for Mothers & Bubbies being Shmatas, they don't need to be if Fathers & Zaidies would pitch in. When everyone views the Yom Tov as team play and not as "when can I get my nap" it is the most beautiful time of the year.

As for not being together with my whole extended family, I am not sure if that is such an issue. Leil HaSeder is our chance to transmit our mesora to our children. I don't need to transmit that mesora to my nieces, or great-grandparents or third cousins. Just to my kids. If being together helps with that, great. if not I would rather be at my or my parents' seder where we focus on our kids.

Pesach is a stressful time. I am lucky to have a part-time job so I could do a lot of work with the kids. But attitude and preparation make the difference. It's not about "why should I be the one to do it" but rather "I'm so lucky that I can be the one . . . "