Cash For Fat Wheels

Having extracted $1 billion from taxpayers (soon to be $3 billion) for the wildly successful Cash for Clunkers program, the federal government has just announced an expansion of the program.

At a press conference on Tuesday, President Obama announced a new $1 billion program, BIKES, under which owners of bicycles with fat wheels that weigh over 25 pounds can turn in their clunkers and receive a voucher for up to $1,000 that can be used toward the purchase of new road bikes weighing under 20 pounds.

Obama noted that the moribund United States bicycle manufacturing business needed a stimulus plan of its own and that, since it is much more fun and healthier to ride road bikes rather than fat wheels, this program would encourage Americans to ride more frequently thereby using less carbon fuels. As well, it would result in fewer Americans being obese. This, in turn, would reduce costs for our soon-to-be nationalized health care system.

"A win-win all around", said Mr. Obama. The president also announced a parallel program called "SHORTS" which would permit owners of traditional, baggy shorts to turn them in and receive a $50 voucher towards the purchase of spandex bib shorts (but only if you weigh less than 200 pounds. Nobody wants to see someone who weighs over 200 pounds wearing spandex; spandex is a privilege, not a constitutionally protected right).