The rambling thoughts of a Modern Orthodox Chassid (whatever that means). Contact me at emansouth @

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Cash For Fat Wheels

Having extracted $1 billion from taxpayers (soon to be $3 billion) for the wildly successful Cash for Clunkers program, the federal government has just announced an expansion of the program.

At a press conference on Tuesday, President Obama announced a new $1 billion program, BIKES, under which owners of bicycles with fat wheels that weigh over 25 pounds can turn in their clunkers and receive a voucher for up to $1,000 that can be used toward the purchase of new road bikes weighing under 20 pounds.

Obama noted that the moribund United States bicycle manufacturing business needed a stimulus plan of its own and that, since it is much more fun and healthier to ride road bikes rather than fat wheels, this program would encourage Americans to ride more frequently thereby using less carbon fuels. As well, it would result in fewer Americans being obese. This, in turn, would reduce costs for our soon-to-be nationalized health care system.

"A win-win all around", said Mr. Obama. The president also announced a parallel program called "SHORTS" which would permit owners of traditional, baggy shorts to turn them in and receive a $50 voucher towards the purchase of spandex bib shorts (but only if you weigh less than 200 pounds. Nobody wants to see someone who weighs over 200 pounds wearing spandex; spandex is a privilege, not a constitutionally protected right).

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  • At 10:19 PM, Anonymous WD 50 said…

    Only if you weigh less than 200 pounds works if you're 5' 5". For those of us 6' 1", you should raise the limit!

  • At 10:37 PM, Blogger nyfunnyman said…

    don't you know the SCOTUS no longer has the privilege/right distinction!

  • At 12:09 AM, Blogger Jacob Da Jew said…

    POTUS can kiss my baggy short's a$$.

    I wear spndex when riding my road bike but I'll be damned if I need to suit up to ride my cruiser (fat wheels, backrest and all) down to the beach ,like tonight.

  • At 4:01 PM, Blogger Elliot Lazarus said…

    I like. Maybe there's also a crossover program where I could trade in my clunker for a new carbonfiber ride :)

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger Just Passing Through said…

    anything in the program for those SO SOFT Costco pants??

  • At 4:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I liked reading this post. It is indeed interesting. Keep writing!

    This is Joshua from Israeli Uncensored News

  • At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't remeber the scarcasm when the bailouts were for the financial industry. The bailouts were for far more money per job involved than those for the auto business.
    BTW-I am also opposed to the " cash for clunkers" program.



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